I keep wishing I was perfect. I'm certainly not striving to be perfect, and I am somewhat content to sit on my arse and let the world float by, but every now and then I'll look into a mirror and think "I wish I looked like Gemma Ward" or more recently, "I wish I looked like whatever HotEmoBoy's ideal girl looks like." I don't actually feel an internal push to go kill myself on a treadmill. [Typing that has made me wonder if it is even possible to kill one's self on a treadmill...I'm sure I could figure out how, but I won't because I try not to think about things like that too much anymore.] I'll stare at work that should be done, and not feel motivated, but wish I was. Perhaps I have just become overtaken with extreme laziness. Oh- wells. I'm costuming the Sasha movie, I'm probably helping Live Arts with stuff, and I'm going to get a real job... plus, I'm becoming a thespian. One more year and I can put Charlottesville, and all that it implies, behind me. I suppose there are idiots everywhere. I also suppose that by acknowledging that, I am some what acknowledging that some people, somewhere think that I am in fact an idiot. But I'm ok with that. I'm trying to develop some confidence, and I'm trying not to lead people on, [I totaly failed with that one today]and when I least expect it, the coolest person ever will come popping out from behind a corner and scare the shit out of me. We will then frolic and live happily ever after. Or rather, happily for between three to seven years, according to Ms. Higgings. As of late, I have been commiting more sacreligion than usual, in that I am basicly making people in my life analogous to people from the Bible. For example, I was trying to explain to my dad just how much my mom dislikes my choices: "There are the Lisa gods, and then there is their satan equivalent: my mother." My dad was not pleased with that analogy. He was even less pleased when I told him that by making me visit with 'satan' he was essentialy being Judas. But really, I am not going to get beat up if I go downtown with a video camera. And I am not going to film porn. really. ....well, not any time soon anyway. Overall I can't complain, minus the lack of courage I have to talk to either of my current crushes. Well, goodnight and goodluck, folks!